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If I had to summarise the suckiest thing about being spied on, it would be this. It's significantly more difficult to argue with people when it's all spoken in code, and for someone like me - who is naturally paranoid and suspicious - it probably makes me unduly fearful that my devices have a mind of their own. That's what I think happens... random words or letters that magically appear -- I noticed a delay between my keystrokes and the text, which seems to grow whenever I touch on verboten subjects, back in 2020 on Facebook, then it migrated to my PC. I mean, if this isn't just a paranoid delusion, how hard would it have been for my enemies to sit down with me and have it out? How much time could that have saved? - I was thinking about the occupation of Parliament Grounds while riding the bus into town last Thursday... that was a back channels moment. I got the impression that Jacinda knew that I knew Emanuel, and then there was that conversation with my brother at Moon (that felt very stage-managed). By the way, no that's not Gary in the Fresh Culture video! 😅 He's really mad about that, and I don't think Stephen apologised: that was one of our J Day 2022 topics. As I say, I had no responsibility regarding that video, and I challenged Steve during that convo at Moon (and challenged the protestors online with G&S tunes). - Something fun! Nicknames: my brother used to call me 'Bobbo' (after Scrubs). Our oldest brother called Stephen 'Ste' because that was his first word (mine was duck). People have tried Mickey as a nickname, but I hated that! - Either way, I refuse to consider the entreaties of my 'allies', few of which have met me as Amanda. I'm doing better now that I'm living out of town (ie away from the attack ads), and my course is doing the heavy lifting for my social life. I've still got a small circle of friends, and I'm reaching out to some of those people. If you stop trying to force me to play Tina, you'll find I'm less angry. Tone it the fuck down, people, and accept that writing a book is a valid choice. Here's why I'm not doing it: because their deal is a two-pronged one. 1. Be Tina on-screen. Use falsies, tuck and take hrt so you're palatable to us. 2. Be Robert off-screen. Stop crossdressing, and accept that drag is better than nothing. That is not acceptable. That is nakedly transphobic, and my bulge isn't that big. This offer is not acceptable, and Amanda refuses to countenance it. Here's my counter-offer: 1. I'm going to keep dressing however I feel, and deliberately refusing to pass for cis. I'm allowed to do this because crossdressing is 100% legal. If you want to show support, then bloody well turn up to AMPP events. I do host those from time to time. Next one is a dawn video idea.

2. You're going to treat me fairly as Amanda in real life. That means respecting that I have a reputation of my own, and a brand, and my own philosophies (which were recently codified as AMPP's manifesto). That means treating me with precisely the same respect as any of my peers in journalism or media or film. I have ideas, I know my rights, and I'm keen to sell: let's sort out a really fair agreement that isn't about Tina, but about my short stories. Telling me to tone it down isn't an acceptable choice. I'm as valid in a dress as I ever was as a man, and I expect to be given that exact same level of respect. It'd be swell if people toned down their kink-shaming attitudes towards me. However, it's not actually my job or responsibility to educate people: that's like being a token brown person, rather than having a real voice at the table. I've always fantasised of living in the country, but I've never done it; after we shot and made a rough cut of Portrait of a Knight, I went as far as booking a viewing in Wairarapa, but I wussed out. As I say, Jville is fine for now. It's quiet enough and it's boring enough, but I'm really not in an exploring mood, hence why I hang around the Shopping Centre, which is nearby. - If I remember correctly, I've said in other places that I wasn't happy with my twin bro for putting out that anti-mandate video as a Fresh Culture video, and it was ultimately the reason that the company disbanded. I think it might be fair to say that those occupations were like our floods or earthquakes: a natural disaster that completely scorched the soul of Wellington. Even if I had caused it, which is highly unlikely, I wouldn't feel a need to make a film as penance. That's actually a terrible reason to make a film: white guilt = shitty films. As I posted recently, love is the only good reason to make a musical, and I'm not in love with Tina largely because I'm deeply suspicious and have no good reason to believe that those revisions would improve the story. I'm not in love with a Tina who sings agitprop like Hedwing and the Angry Inch (haven't seen that... not into rock shows). I'm not in love with a Tina that's a drag queen with makeup. I'm not in love with all my characters being killed off and replaced by stand-ins for the writers that think they're smarter than me (but are piggybacking off my idea). Amanda Michelina is me. I wear the clothes that I normally wear, and I do what I normally do, and that's not what you're offering me. I want to interview people, and I want to make some short films. I'm not interviewing anyone at the NZSM. I'm angry at them. - Just Like Yesterday is my idea of what was missing; which is that it lacks conflict and violence because I was tailoring it to a bunch of wusses that can't tolerate discomfort: to be snarky, a bunch of people that would watch The Room, but wouldn't have the guts to make The Room. Classier analogy: people that love watching Under The Skin, but would never make it. Funny, but true. I mean, Some Kind of Love and These Words Are Meant For Someone are hardly hardcore porn, but they're confidently sexual, and that's a rarity in NZ. I'm in love with Jo -- that's bloody obvious. And Rose. All those characters. Right now I'm working on how to 'love' Edgar .. what makes him tick? what would he sing? But mostly I'm in love with my own cleverness, and the 2030 musical makes me laugh. The difference between admiring Everybody Says Don't and writing it... I especially love the incisive job I've done satirising politicians and the media since they let me into their space (and paid me). - I'd say the occupation represents me at my best as a peacemaker. Like, I think that the fuzz and the occupants understood my position, which was I thought what was required was a peaceful resolution. But, in fact, that's ultimately less than what it really took. I saw that on the news. It was freaky-as, but so is watching Patu! I'd like to think that I helped to prevent some violence in that situation. These days, it's great not being my brother's keeper anymore, but I think people are realising that I'm the really tenacious twin that is impossible to dislodge. So, I reckon that my new satirical cartoons + my 2030 script + the new coalition = plenty of possibilities to discuss regarding expanding the AMPP brand. 🤣 - Please stop trying to force me to make my gay coming out story. Please stop. I'm 29. I've been out for almost 5 years. I'm over that phase and not keen to relive it.

I don't want a second go; I want to move on to something new.