Brain droppings 21.2.23

I’ve said this on the tapes several times, and I genuinely mean it: I would rather take prison time than collaborate with the interested parties (ie NZ Opera, NZ School of Music, Red Scare). That’s my stance, and I realise you’re all surprised, but seriously I’d prefer it. - It’s a way more interesting story, I’ve found that the underground respects my trans-ness more than you lot, and I doubt I’d do any more than a few months. So, now, what I want is respect. That is it, and it means respecting I have said no to the lot of you. I spent my entire 2022 saying no, and now I’m willing to spend my entire 2023 saying no. No means no. No means I will not be persuaded. It means back off, it means everything that I constantly repeat because I just do not want those things, and the fact that it triggers me into these rants is a sure sign it’s a bad idea. It's a tic because I genuinely mean it, and was hoping you'd have all gotten the message by now. Respect what I want, not what you wish I’d want. - No, I’m not arranging my concerto for solo guitar. I expect Chris to perform the whole thing with the tape. I get that the first movement is what everyone wants, so I’ll ask him about that first. I’m not reinventing the wheel here: John Psathas regularly makes synth tapes of his concerti so they are performable. I’m just lucky I have the NotePerformer app, which does most of the work for me. - My name is my name, and I changed it legally. I didn’t do it out of malice and spite: I didn’t even know what Mrs. Luxon’s name was. 🧶 Again, my enemies think I’m way smarter than I really am. I’m clever, sure, but I’m not some Machiavellian mastermind. I get locked out of my room because I forget my keys sometimes, so I’m hardly some criminal genius. 😅 - As for sobriety: I’m seriously allowed to say my weed is medical now. It always has been, and those who find me annoying probably should have taken up the wero and done some activism. If I’m the only one willing to be this open about my drug use, then I get a wide berth to do it how I want. 👍 - As for my show and my character: I don’t show myself in a particularly flattering light, and that’s probably why the journos take me seriously: saying 'fuck you' on the tape was meant to be a clear sign that I don’t want you in my show. It’s a sample which actually shows people what my life is all about - my head has always been an anxious, paranoid space, and that was true before I became a stoner. Plus it's been a bit of a ratings smash. Three Sad Waltzes, The Big Smoke and Garyfilm have all been quite successful. 👩 - It’s just that when I was younger, nobody cared. Now that I’m out and proud, suddenly people want to point fingers and blame my behavioural quirks on the weed .. total bullshit: I’ve been the same person the whole time, which is why I want a new degree which says Amanda on it. These tapes are not auditions, and if they are, they are for a movie. I don’t want Film Commission support if it comes with strings, and the folk songs are not negotiable. The Weed Tapes convey something new, and all I want is support. That means liking and sharing the posts: that’s the bare minimum level, and most of you aren’t even doing that… people are too fucking lazy to push the share button! - Re: NZ on Screen, yes, I'd love it if we could host some of the Fresh Culture videos and maybe Stephen's live gig at Bluegrass Society on the site. But tbh I can't do much with the RP properties until Stephen starts talking to me again, as he has the hard drives, and would probably be cranky if I tried to archive them without his consent. - For the cops etc.: I'm sure that Stephen is probably very irritating with his posts, but there's not much I can do about that. I tried, but he wasn't really receptive: though he has stopped tagging me, which for me is a win. If I was able to control my brother the way some of you think I can, then his manias would have been way easier to handle. 👩 I might add he wasn't arrested while I was around, but once he kicked me out of the flat (yes, that's how it went down), he started coming into contact with Police.