I'd rather live here than Wilton. I'd rather live here than Island Bay.
While I could see moving to Auckland Central. It's probably pretty similar to Welly.
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The AM style is something that developed from the Boquita open mic. Ingrid's boyfriend made a point of saying I was a try-hard when I was in earshot.
So yeah... I pared back the style. Plus I watched all those movies while people were deceiving me.
And continued my Deep Dream obsession. It all just fit together.
I don't want to fit in. I'm sorry that music world can't accept me as a trans fairy, but that's just what it is and that means those people who love me won't see me.
I don't want them in my life. And if I can't have Chloe, then Jake definitely can't have me. Ok?
Well, that's what it will be. And they can all accept that.
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I'm not afraid of nice things, I just learned that I do not want any of those people and their ideologies around.
I don't want to study. I don't think the uni has anything to offer me. I don't care how much they *may* invest in the show if I got clean, that's dumb.
The show is called Weeded Out. That they can't accept that is why I made it myself.
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So B, if you're willing to lose everything, then maybe we could be.
Nah. I'm not willing to lose. I don't care that Lisik and Norris and Taylor think they can help me: I don't trust any of you.
You taught me to be highly suspicious. You all taught me *not* to believe in myself. You all taught me that my only gifts are my skills with my pen and my guitar.
My music has you all thinking "oh, how did Amanda come up with that?"
The answer: ASC's generated over 5+ years of stoner life. And friends like Dave and Gary who genuinely taught me to believe in myself.
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I want real fights in my movie. That's why no stage.
I don't care what Don wants. I own my music. I own the script. I plan to realise the script.
For movies. With animation. That is what it will be. Because I will refuse any other offer.
What I'd lose is the songs. They're better off on the EP than in a shitty play.
While if I made a great film, that would be the best place for my work.
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I don't want to be 'well' I want to be productive.
I don't want your help, people who are too afraid to write.
That's never going to change. I'm scary while sober: ask anyone.
I'm a scrapper. That's what makes me me.
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I don't want Rodger to take my songs. I want them as I plan for the film, or it'll just be Amy the singer-songwriter.
I'm not making scores until I have a collaborator. And I mean a script collaborator.
I'd prefer not to make scores until I've cast at least 2 of the main ensemble.
I'm not cutting Jo. She's the lead. And honestly isn't Chloe, but a character who is cooler than Chloe.
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Which is why I keep saying that. And Ingrid would be my choice. I don't care, Chloe. It's my IP.
I didn't actually steal any of your speeches for the film. Those are my words.
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And nah, I don't want to re-do the songs for a band. I don't think bands are the vibe for my generation.
The rawness is a huge part of AM. For a movie, I'd build proper show-style orchestrations.
But for a concept album, I didn't see why. And the contrast with the Preludes is wider with the folkie style.
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To point out how my fairy-ness is why I'm where I am:
So, yeah, Michael Stoop had an acrimonious divorce where he used weed to cope, and nobody seems to be judging him....
But me -- because people already disliked the 'ge' version of me, they just find Amanda too weird.
But that's why I beat my drum about gender.
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I think I broke another hard drive.
and I don't really want to see don if I'm in Auckland. or Chloe either.
I'd probably try to hit up Adam and Cruz as well as Patria.
If I bump into her re: chloe, that'd be fun, but yeah I wouldn't move to another city based on some vague promises parlayed via the SIS.
Or is it GCSB? whichever...
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I have fond memories of Steve and Helen as music teachers. But yeah, even the new Chch is fairly conservative compared to Welly.
But yeah, I'd rather be a lost cause or the one that got away for the Welly people.
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And to keep making my point: my research binge is also a weed-fuelled hobby. That's always been true: I remember I read the first few Matriarch chapters while stoned-as.
I don't think of stoned me as another personality: it's just enhancing things, like the Captain America serum.
Of course, when you're emo like me, there are seshes where alcohol is more useful.
I find it strange that me the barely functional alcoholic of 2021 was more 'liked' that the far more functional, far more high Amanda of 2022.
Though, tbh, the FB views suggest 2022 was my annus mirabilis.
My hypothesis: people are used to drunks, while stoners surprise the 80% of NZ who aren't keen on the weed.
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I think that the idea I could 'undo typing' is silly. I said what I said, and I learned things from that.
I really don't think anything I could say could take any of it back, so what people really want is repentance. Very Catholic, in my brain anyway.
I recall saying the RP page was market research shortly before Stephen closed it. I think that's definitely true of the AM page.
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Yeah, I'm not all that psyched about the idea of my student works being recorded by students.
That rhapsody for guitar and viola, I'm really proud of. I always thought that would be the juvenilia track for my catalaogue.
Plus the minimum wage song and If We Parted, and my Year 13 Lullaby for guitar.
I found the synth sax for Golden Days both hilarious and moving, though I realise that my jams with Glen were cooler.
re: show tunes, I do want Glen to solo over one. I think Shipwrecked the song should have saxes for the intro chords.
But honestly, I'm sorta suspending my orchestration dreams re the musical score because I think I'll wait until I produce the piano-vocal scores before orchestrating.
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And yeah, my drug use experiences since meeting Gary have been more rewarding than my preppy days ones. But because I was closteted, I found it easier to toggle between straight Michael and tranny me.
While Amanda is my instincts. I used a variety of tricks to help unfilter my voice so I could ramble the way that I do.
But, yes, joining the war on drugs definitely cost me the freedoms that straight (ie non-crim) citizens enjoy.
I get a thrill out of the challenge of having to code my messages, and also from messing with the spies.
It was a really good use of my obsessive Broadway knowledge: and when I say Sondheim helped me write the code, I'm being fairly plain -- the man was a crossword-writer too, and loved codes and such.
Whether the musicals made me act like a shit-head, I doubt. That was because of the blog post which lists all the dramatic life events that are 'my story'.
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Yeah, I sorta like the ACT party. I wouldn't vote for them, but I'm a left-libertarian.
And I appreciate Seymour's style: I think he dials the smarm-meter to the right level, though I think his questions are often useless.
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I think people who want me to 'clean up my act' are missing the point: I didn't have an act before I got wasted and stoned.
I realise it's often mature: that's all. I use CGI when I want to wank, and that's probably why I like my AI art.
I swear, but hardly all the time. I try to be real, but yeah, it's sorta hard to picture people when I'm up late blazed and looking at the stars or glow-worms in Central Park.
AM's a slut, but AR (ie me), is really only into companionship rather than sex.
And I miss some of my old flatties. It's been a lonely Christmas for me: first one without my twin, and my mood is depressed.
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But as for people who are unable to write to me, yeah... don't think my songs are all about you when I clearly have other fish to fry.
I don't think my songs are 'like Don' -- they're 'like Shipwrecked' -- I was searching for a sound, and that led me to the TANZA records and the Mutton birds and Sneaky Feelings.
Plus all the Latin rhythms that are just Amanda being herself.
I could tell everyone who the love songs are about:
'Tis You = Jane.
These Words Are Meant For Someone = Barbara and Lauren.
The Mist = Chloe.
Machine Fatigue = Michelle C/Evie.
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