This was the running commentary from the gig:
Path of a Walking Man was a folk tune I felt had anthem potential.
Took me years to come up with that.. it was one of the first tunes to speak to me from the Song of a Young Country book, yet I couldn't crack it until a year or so after that.
I feel awkward about using folk songs in Shipwrecked on Islands, though it's a natural fit for Jo. I guess it's fine… Kern appropriated tunes, and so did Sondheim (the Sousa tune for How I Saved Roosevelt).
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No theatre gigs. No revue evenings. If you want to hear my magic trick, it's a solo act.
That's what I've been refining for two years.
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If I had the cash: I'd make something like the eating fried chicken in the shower show .. celebs tell drug stories - their ones rather than my one. Like Ingrid's story for Michelle Cameron's documentary series.
I don't want to do my story. I'd rather hear the other people. My bonafides as a legendary drug user meaning I'd rather ask those questions as the person who has taken all the drugs.
My doco covers the high points of my saga, and I do not think a talking head of me is the missing piece .. I'm fine with being mysterious in that film: if I could persuade Dakta to do a sit-down interview, that would be better. The reason the Fresh Culture report was cut the way we made High Tea is because that was the only time Dakta was willing to speak on-camera. We tried to get the sit-down interview then, though I reckon he'd be keener now. - Would you rather I review the gig or debate my Ads?
They weren't about anybody .. people projected into Stephen's interview with the Wellington Library. Company isn't one of my favourite albums: I prefer Follies and Sweeney Todd.
The legal name change was a reference to Company, though: I felt those characters captured a buzz within myself. -
I'm fine with being single. I think an advantage of non-binary identity is the ways one can fuck oneself. Glamour and celebrity is built on that.
Every screen artist has a strange relationship with their screen double. Masturbating isn't a crime, and I wank at home like a normal person .. sex in the bushes isn't my buzz, though a tramping trip is an idea I had re: sex.
Everyone does that to an extent. I get very bored with gigs .. this is a draft, and I like to swear and curse while I write.
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While re: NZ albums, Sentimental Education is probably my favourite, followed by the first Front Lawn or Mutton Birds album. -
No means no re: plays. I don't care if you have $40,000 - no stage adaptations of my work.
No. That is final - I'd rather do anything else than my screenplay based on my life. It's too personal and that's why.
No peer pressure and I'll stop being mad.. -
I feel all the fence-sitter musos from 2020 owe me a chance to ask them about their drug use. Those yarns are usually fun, too. 👩🏻
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If you can't handle trans me, then stay away. I will be wearing the clothes I wear, and that's my IRL fashion.
Seriously. I will not accept any male roles or any work where being a guy is mandatory. This is my form of protest, and I think my saga shows the prejudice that's really out there for trannies. -
I don't want my show to be 'the trans show' - I think my documentary is better than my screenplay, and I'd rather make more documentaries.
Including the trans one or the sex work one .. that's my big idea.
A real doco, not a scripted series. That's a no from me to any TV offers. Serious, fairly sober and I'd rather make non-fiction.
And I definitely don't want TV cameras following me around. That's part of why I've been ducking Chloe: she's having a feature-length documentary made about her this Election. ✊🏻
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More filming stuff I could be doing for people:
Gig films .. if the budget is decent, then maybe.
No live gigs. No opera. No settlement about songs I own: my IP isn't for sale, and I think I defended my influences very well.
Get with who I am or just leave me alone. 😣
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I don't want to move. Though Auckland seemed nice…
I don't trust anyone, I'm paranoid from my activist days, and the people who have tried to 'help' from the sidelines need to reach out if they want plugs.. and I have the right to refuse.
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I don't want to work with a mediocre band.
That's a totally fair call when I can accompany myself or a world-class singer like Barbara or Phillip.
Or Lauren. These songs fit her register, though she hasn't replied about Shipwrecked on Islands .. I sent her a few emails about ideas for performances (my solo piano piece and the musical).
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Snark time .. yes, this is how my brain really works - I think other musos recognise themselves in my writing style.
My view: if my peers who studied overseas were world-class, they'd still be in New York or London.
Burn. Though Barbara won a prominent French singing prize when she was over there.
Yes, I research my friends. 👩🏻
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The activist rant:
I'm not done with getting stoned. It's genuinely fun, it makes me sociable (CBD doesn't .. it's not anxiety that makes me shy - that's trauma, so the dissociative properties of THC help), and I'm a writer.
I use drugs to alter consciousness, and that helps me produce my music. I'm afraid that I can't teach any classical players how to groove .. that's what all my rock/jazz xp comes in handy for. I'm relying on the drums to bring the fire for Pan's Preludes. -
I'd rather get wasted, and no means no 'he' and no calling me 'michael' and I wear what I want. That's the baseline for anything.
I'm not a colour figure for other people's productions. I'm a whole box of crayons unto myself.
I hate lecturing and I refuse to teach academic music. Academia bores me and I genuinely dislike much of the faculty; it's a mild dislike, but for a career that's enough to grate on me. 🤨 Hence, I will not return. As a woman is the only option, and I feel unwelcome on the VUW campus. I hated a lot of campus life, and grown-up me likes to party with myself.
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No, I'm not leaving the country and I am not going back to being a guy. No, that is unacceptable to me and I will refuse, and you will accept me as I am.
No, I don't want to be a man. There is no way to persuade me and that means no I get to choose to not pursue a medical transition, as that is also acceptable in the modern day.
Or I never return. Those are the options for my (yes) bigoted former friends. -
This is why I'm suicidal .. seriously, and this is why suicidality is chronic among trans people.
I've always wanted to catch up with Cameron Sloan and have a real talk about trans life: I heard it got pretty dark for Cameron over in Australia, and his coming out gave me the courage to do things my way.
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No male roles. No 'laugh at the trannie roles', no revues, no anything. My psyche is too fragile to be a pro actor, while as a writer the fact that my personality is fragmented is useful. It's not a disorder, it's a coping mechanism, and the writing is what I find therapeutic. I think Mr. Hat is a total overreach. I still say these things as Amanda, and I said them IRL as Michael. There was a reason I wasn't popular... the character is more of a focus, like with voodoo - I do voodoo on me, and that's always been a part of my sex life. Whether the X-23 doll was voodoo Chloe... maybe? I do think about the objet d'art in my room, though it's more as archetypal figures than as specific people. I found this Auckland postcard my Grandma gave me was useful for thinking about Chloe.
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See .. my reviews aren't kind but they are accurate.
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No matter what anyone saw, I refuse to feel ashamed about my dick.
I don't feel ashamed about my love life either .. I'm an emotional person.
I feel guilty about the girls I was too chicken to tell my feelings to, not the ones I overshared with.
This is a twentysomething thing - we feel less shame than gen x or boomers and we do talk about sex on FB. 😀 -
I don't care who was writing to me and that's why I'm hard to pin down.
My writing is what people want: me .. very few people like me.
And a lot of that fear is fear of the unknown. You know me from the screen, but you haven't met me, and you find my screen persona terrifying, right? Well, IRL I have the trannie stare, so I can and do put the fear into people. It's a useful tool .. I remember Mika staring me down when I was a guy, and yeah it is a confronting feeling. I'm not interested in working with those who are afraid, and that's their loss, rather than mine. I'm doing fine, though I wish I had a Zoom to record myself. The hold line effect my current phone creates is funny, but I had fresh strings on Amy, and wanted a crisper sound.
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