It’d be my Mum. I feel like she’s cock-blocking me… though tbf it was Lucinda’s family who weren’t down with me.
And all my worries echo my Mum’s worries: I didn’t think much of my drug use until my Mum moved to town.
On the plus side, that caution has value, and Mum’s always on my side, but yeah I feel like a kid – I’m still hurt by the letter she wrote to my Uncle after my Dad died.
It’s revealing that I got involved with the Daktory gang before my Mum moved to Wellington.
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I’m seriously not doing the film with B. I refuse. I do not need to and I simply do not want to.
I think the Auckland episode plus the scripts made my point clearly enough.
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And those who pray for my sobriety are entirely missing the point. The music I produce is drug-addled because I’m drug-addled, and other styles of music value that.
I do not want to do theatre. I’m just utterly not keen, and nothing can be said or done to persuade me. I’m just not interested.
But hey, when I do classical guitar, you’re all still impressed.
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As for my Mum and how she dealt with my criminal activities: well, despite the high profile, I ultimately got in the same amount of trouble as Phillip or Jeremy (my half-brothers), which wasn’t much.
She was far more worried about Stephen, given all of the mental episodes and the stuff he tells the doctors about her.
I dunno if that stuff is true. I remember her beating me up once, but generally she wasn’t violent. I definitely got my share of hidings as a kid.
Her first husband did time: I doubt there’s anything I did that she hadn’t seen before.
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As for DID - wasn’t diagnosed. Same with all the other ones people throw at me: I’m just a drug addict, and high-THC weed (+alcohol) has dissociative properties.
But, again, for the underground scene, those are prized skills. There’s definitely some sexual trauma in my upbringing, though, which is probably why I’m still a virgin.
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I find the office more therapeutic than movie or music work. That’s a job to me, while the office is surprisingly fun.
Every piece feels like me proving myself all over again, and I get sick of that, while the job is boring and routine.
Put it this way: I don’t feel Sondheim over my shoulder when I work at RNZ, but when I write musicals, I totally do (and my teachers and my peers, and all that).
It bites the arse of my tenured friends that they trained me to be ok with not making money, because it means that their money doesn’t mean much to me. While I make roughly the same at this job, without compromising my integrity.
And I like the night shift.
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I’m fine with being an addict. That’s why I’m not particularly keen to sober up for something I already wasn’t keen to do.
I think it strengthens my drug law reform bonafides to be an addict, rather than to pretend like my use is totally a positive thing. But it is a positive thing, as well as a negative one.
And much of the negativity wouldn’t be true if the laws were different. Along with a whole ‘stoners aren’t bad, just different to drunks’ campaign, I’d be able to smoke and keep my job regardless.
While atm I’m lucky that my show was fun, and my bosses seem to like me.
I met the illegal market, and that’s why my brain is fried. When I watch The Wire these days, it has a Both Sides Now vibe about it, though ChCh is way more like Baltimore than Wellington.
However, the word on the street was mixed about the Daktory.
What I heard was that the established dealers weren’t happy with Dakta swooping in (see: Te Papa Dak Headroom), whereas while working for Make It Legal I only had positive experiences with gang members.
I’m not a narc, but I felt that it was worth blabbing some secrets so people would understand the world in the shadows. I could have changed the names, but I chose to do it this way for some reason…
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