This is from December 24th. So before my NYE mania. 👍 ..... Gary hasn’t really told me much about what his plan is – I guess they’re modelling it off the old Daktory road trips. I think he’s courting the Greens because he doesn’t want to have to sell weed on the trip. - I’m looking forward to moving. It’ll take a while, though. I like this job, and it’s Wellington-based. Though I reckon I could probably do the same job in Auckland. - I think the theme of the road trip is really important. Probably something about liberalising the existing medical cannabis laws would be a better sell to rural Kiwis than my soapbox of legalising everything. I think ‘Free the Green Fairies’ would be a good theme for Cannabis 2023. - No, I don’t have to include show tunes. I don’t need your money, and frankly I don’t want anyone to direct me. The show is for an NZ audience first and foremost. And that is what will make it appealing to the international markets. That’s why those Korean shows are becoming hits. - No theatre. I don’t want to. - My ability to say no and to refuse people is my best bargaining chip. It’s been a huge success. It’s a success because I have accomplished the sound I like. And made you all read my scripts. I’m not changing one fucking note of anything until I get paid. I don’t care that my letter from Sondheim is amazing PR if I use show tunes. It’s amazing PR regardless, because learning his stuff made me keyed-into the vernacular. - And if I go to jail, I am not gonna take any music lessons. I hate those people. I don’t want their help. I don’t want it, and they should have the balls to write to me. - -
I realise that an OE was a good reason to keep me out of jail, but I’m not doing the OE straight. I’m not doing anything where I can’t be myself.
That’s why I took this job: because I can be myself here.
Fact-check: I’m not a he. I have a real gender dysphoria diagnosis. Official trans.
That’s why I’m genuine. Accept that Amanda genuinely would like to see the uni go broke.
I don't want to study right now, and I don't have to do anything.
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I don't want to do the cycle. I'm not a stage performer, and I'm fine with what I sang. It's a good film, and that's all I'm keen on.
I just don't want to; I need to be stable, and that wouldn't be good. I don't want to leave NZ, and that's because simply put I like it here and Wellington is a good place to be trans.
But I can like it here without having much to do with the music scene. That's why I got a real job: I feel way better about myself since I got that and refused to do anything that wasn't easy to do.
I don't need the hassle and if my friends can't think of any other way to talk to me, then they're not my friends.
I’m so much happier not having to jockey for position the way classical composers do.
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I still write to people, though I wish I got more replies:
I wrote to Ethan; waiting on notes from him about the scripts.
I wrote to Barbara last week. She could have replied.
I wrote to Jane recently as well, so it's not like I'm totally ditching my friend.
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I bet she misses all the emails I used to send to her. But yeah, I’m done with that. I got dejected after all the emails people didn’t reply to. That’s also why I don’t write to Chloe very often: I don’t mind that her team reads and replies .. I mean, why else would I sing the chloe swarbrick inc song 🤣.. but yeah, I’m nursing my emotional wounds about all those emails I sent to Jane or Barbara or Michelle or Eilish. Which means I avoid the woman I have a crush on. Though I find watching Parliament fun, I do regret not talking to her at the Tory thing. I felt like an outsider at that thing, and I was nervous. I saw Tam there too, but also felt like she was unapproachable. As for the book launch where I got stoned... that was a mix of nerves and timing -- I'd just been offered DMT when Gary brought up the Mandy Hager launch, then another mate dropped in with LSD. So yeah: I have regrets, but those were good trips, while I wasn't invited to the other thing and didn't fancy gatecrashing with Gary and Dakta. - As for my drinking: well, if I didn't live alone I'd probably drink less. 🪶
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