Well, Glen McConnell managed to trigger me with an article that he wrote about disabled people, so here's me quickly explaining my tantrums. Please stop telling me that I'm autistic; do some real reading on bipolar disorder, and then we'll all be better off. And yes, psychology is one of my many interests. I recommend Touched with Fire. That'll give you a far richer repertoire of artists to compare me with. - 1. Emotional dysregulation is a basic feature of bipolar disorder. That's the fancy word for those tantrums. Weed helps me with controlling some of the tics .. everyone goes mad in their own way, and mine has to do with the cloistered, selfish world I was raised in, a place where anal-retentive freaks obsess over power trips, and make young adults cry with their meanness. Small wonder why I'm not returning... that's exactly what my manias reflect. - Taking a hint from the article: If there really are bedroom cameras in my room, then you've spent the last four years spying on me 24/7. How could I be fully human without a private self, a secret self? That's from Black Rainbow. From my perspective, instead of meeting me in-person and actually improving my social life by offering me opportunities to socialise, you instead chose to treat me like a psychotic criminal (to very mixed results). Society treated me like a criminal, and possibly the government, but not my clinicians.
I'm like 80% satisfied with Wellington's community mental health team, and I'm about 20% satisfied with my so-called 'friends.'
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2. I might actually be anosmic, so hence my other senses are heightened ... I mean, that's an old wives tale, but it has a ring of truth. That's probably why touch is so important to me, and why my ears are so sensitive (not to mention the 20+ years of ear training). That's also why I smell terrible: I literally cannot smell, so how would I know? Another area of discrimination that I face ... I smell like shit. - 3. Despite everyone suggesting that I was 'too obsessed' with musicals, and then reading Far From The Tree and identifying me with that autistic kid, I'm actually highly literate and have become a good enough journalist that my Dak film was a success. I mean, how many of you knew that I read fiction? How many of you knew that I was a passionate cricket fan? How many of you knew that Sondheim had sent me that tape?
How many of you knew that I was a republican? How many of you knew that I was tangentially involved in the Marriage Equality campaign? How many of you knew that I asked my clinicians about DID or autism, only to be told that I wasn't symptomatic? How many of you knew that I was really into AI and cognitive science?
Until I was on the air, my guess is that none of you knew. Hence Pandora. - I move on from obsession to obsession. That's the way that my Mum is. - 4. Isolating someone from society, then accusing them of being a flasher, a pervert, a sick freak, an autistic baby, a faker and a 'bad trannie' is hardly likely to make them want to help a society that shunned them.
Wellington's cultural sector has a lot to answer for regarding my 'treatment', and telling me to make a TV show rather than finding me a trans-positive therapist is simply dumb.
It suggests that you have no regard for my wellbeing, and your only goal is to exploit me while pretending that your behaviour is somehow more noble than mine. These tantrums come from a lack of direct communication ... a few phantom words popping up in my screeds is nothing like a Zoom chat (let alone kanohi ki te kanohi). - If this 4 years of constant surveillance has taught you something, I hope that lesson was that I have nerves of steel, I'm incredibly resilient - Jane's favourite thing re: me - and that I'm a far better person than you ever gave me credit for. AMPP reflects this new-found sense of admiration that people have for me, and also that the transparency that I've conducted my affairs with means people think that I have moral fibre and integrity, even if they hate me. -
5. I sing well because I worked bloody hard on it, and now I get to choose who, what where, why and when I share that gift with people. If I say no, it means no.
Again, much like my IP is entirely mine, so is my voice. Respect me by respecting my diagnoses, respecting my legal rights and campaigning with me to give me the same legal protections that the LGB community enjoys. Campaigning = coming to Parliament, signing petitions and rarking people up yourselves. - The 'audience' are all the people from point 4. I don't want to share with them because of the discriminatory beliefs that they hold about me. I want an apology about the autism 'jokes' -- it's not funny, and it's not my diagnosis. I want the 'fetish' comments to simply end. I'd love it if the drag community apologised, but until Stuff allows searches it's not likely that I'll be able to dredge up that article. - 6. Persecutory complexes are also common in bipolar, and you're merely turning those up to 11 by spying on me without phone calls or replying to my emails. If Cassandra or Barbara wants my score, then she/they can fucking write to me. If Ant wants to make a nice feel-good drama, then the answer is no, particularly given that he's the purveyour of smut and bad tase. He can write his own damn soap opera. If Don and Harry want to chat, I'm open. I've sent Don a few messages. If the entire film scene thinks I should do Tina, despite having never met me, this is why I've become opposed to them... - Saying 'this is why' I should do Tina is stupid. No, your refusal to accept my IP rights as legally binding meant that I ended up losing my mind. Many of my tantrums were started by perceptions of being told to pass, being told to tone it down, being told to 'be chloe' and having nobody listen to my actual emotional
needs. All you had to do was let me say no, then meet with me and actually discuss those ideas.
I'm never going to send the Just Like Yesterday script to you because I'm not keen.
Instead of listening to me, you weaponised my confessions (much like Black Rainbow).
If I believe we're living in a quasi-totalitarian state that isn't highly democratic, this is why. - 7. I'm trans. That means that I'm more like a girl than a guy, and biological women are allowed to have tantrums that are ten times more severe. I'd rather not drag Hannah into this, but she's had acute episodes on social media that were at least as intense as mine (and may have partly inspired me).
And instead of 24/7 surveillance from the SIS, she got months and months of respite. - Do not pretend that because my boarding house is an old retirement home that it's the same thing as respite. No, it isn't: respite = healthy meals cooked for you. Respite = better living conditions. Respite = trained professionals around every single day, rather than interrogators. Telling me to 'train' to be Tina is never going to succeed because I refuse to, and I am not just legally entitled to refuse, I'm morally obligated to refuse as a commentary on how shabbily I believe that you lot have treated me. - 8. This isn't science, but if you'd simply acknowledged in March-June 2023 that I was indeed the sole rights holder for Weeded Out, rather than the continued 'you must' threats that populated my FB feed and my private notes and my wanks, then it's entirely possible that all those days of me screaming constantly (and killing my voice) could have been avoided. All you had to do was set up a real meeting with me and negotiate like professionals, but instead that hasn't been the case, hence I'm not behaving like a professional.
I'm behaving like someone who would rather die than be a man/part-time icon for bigots. I'm behaving likes someone who lost years of their life to an unfortunate coincidence that a Family Court judge tried to use to manipulate me*. - You wanted me to sell and acquiesce to your notes, but I forced you to tell me your plans for the project, and those plans = no deal. There is no way to resolve this impasse. Please either pursue formal mediation, or accept that I've won and you've lost. - *search for Rosemary Riddell and a Frank Films documentary about Polly. In 2020, I ran an Ad under my legal name, which happened to be the name of her husband. He was ill and died, but that documentary shows that she was fighting me.
The technically correct term is called neurodiversity, not 'autism' .. in fact, autism has become a highly stigmatising term, the way that 'gay' was when I was a teenager. Neurodiversity = gifted people, bipolar, ADHD, OCD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, autism and (yes) stammering. I personally think that transgender is also a neurodiverse condition, and there is some real scientific evidence that this is the case. Given each of these conditions tends to affect 1-3% of the population, I reckon that if you cancelled out the comorbidities, we'd still be something like 10-15% of the population. That's comparable with the LGBTQIA+ population, and there's significant crossover. - So, in fact, all these people who are misgendering me and mislabelling me are bullying me. Then they wonder why…