Well, as I said, bipolar is cyclical and that was probably an up phase. But, despite my embarrassment, I think that film actually does communicate some very important stuff. I came out because I was receiving a lot of pressure in my porn feed to detransition following Tory's hui. They were asking me why my dick was allegedly getting hard in Central Park, saying that pointed to a pattern of transgender fetishism. They were accusing me of being attracted to children because some of the TG porn scenarios that I wanked to involved high school-age people. Totally normal in straight porn, I might add.
Worst part of coming out was that people re-evaluated everything that I'd ever done, and some people thought that my intensity was freaky. When I was cis, people didn't presume that I was some sexual freak, but I was getting off to all the same porn. The slut-shaming is one of the things that I find difficult to forgive. People have accused me of being a mental person for a long time, but being told I'm a slut as a virgin that's never been kissed (well, never on the lips) is deeply culturally shameful. My purity is actually important to me. I'm not interested in giving it up casually. Like, the main difference between me and most of my similarly talented peers is that I'm an (almost) pure virgin. I think it adds something to my music.
- This shit had been going on for quite a long time -- a couple of times in 2020 and consistently from about June 2021 when I went to Parliament again for the first time since Covid. I was gaslit into thinking that Chloe was into me, and this was used as a way of getting me to open up so that they could discredit me.
Coming out as a masochist was me explaining how the shame might arouse me. - As for what I said in the park: well, it wasn't about having sex. Gary said that K Road was the cool street, so that's probably why I chose that hotel, though it was also cheap. Went up there to catch up with Patria, one of my drug buddies, and the basic theme of the episode was 'could I live here?' I never denied that I have romantic feelings for Chloe. To quote the English lyric to Desafinado: 'I took your picture with my trusty Rolliflex/ And now all I have developed is a complex'
Doesn't mean that I'm a slave to her will. I prefer to keep my masochism private, but people were asking about it. The kink stigma is actually worse than the trans stigma, particularly if it's intersectional.
The general public has the view that a trans person that's into kink isn't trans, even though that's not really true and lots of trans people are also into kink, or asexual. Nobody ever asks someone like Chloe whether they get hard from wearing pants. If I got off to the clothes and that was all there was to it, then I'd probably have been happy enough in the closet. Being seen as a TV fetishist is literally one rung up from being seen as a paedo. Even the implication of it basically got me fired. Being Amanda is more fun.
See, this is why I don't grow the beard. In this political climate it was a very risky move, and it has had a really negative toll on my emotions. Despite the FOMO about the Christmas party, I thought that skipping it was the right move. Like, regarding the stunt, I still made them think about it and prepare for it, so as a piece of gamesmanship I think that it had strong points. Plus it's grown in nicely and it's fun to remind myself of the some of the really positive memories that I have from the bearded lady phase. Ironically, that's actually the phase where much of the material from Weeded Out came from, mixed in with a few…