If people want to talk, then clearly by now it is their turn to talk to me.
If people actually care about me and not their (guilty pleasure) soap opera of watching me get angry, then that's what you all need to do for Amanda.
Otherwise, I keep this going. I keep making you feel shit. And that will be the actual goal of some of my criticism now. -
Originally, it wasn't. If you lot were offended by my theory lecture about how post-tonal theory is an outgrowth of colonial bias, that shows that your emotions are wrapped up in theory, but my real life is something to mock and diminish.
That's how I feel about Jake: until he admits he poked, he can shut the fuck up about his 'oh, Amanda swiped my style' bullshit.
No, I developed half that style.
Show me you care. That's my challenge to all of you.
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Frankly, I'm insulted. This idea that I 'need' the uni because I can't function is dumb. That's not true.
I got a job, and that wasn't because I wanted to rejoin the uni. It was because I actually wanted to work for RNZ.
The uni should make their peace with the fact that their efforts to persuade me have failed.
I hope they go broke. The uni, I mean... all the unis are genuinely at risk of that. 🦄
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As for the public policy paper idea... that's what a good husband would do.
But online learning and me haven't really worked out -- I thrive on my own steam, with independent research.
That's why I'm an expert in a dying field to start with; musicals were my independent research project.
Which was the main thrust behind my WSS stunt. I know those scores so well that I could hide in them. -
And, as a result, now all of you elite classical musicians are more aware that it's a serious type of music. Which I was saying a decade ago...
But that doesn't wash away my bitterness, and I already explained the sort of teaching studio I want, and you lot refused.
I want to teach from my flat, with a few students. And I don't want to help the people who went overseas: that's another thing I'm really bitter about. 🤬
I'm hardly hiding: I publish my address, I advertise my services, I advertise contact info ... so, given that, I have very little to say to people who prefer this method of communicating (who aren't Chloe).
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Also, I seldom if ever publish these rants to myself (unless I'm spiraling .. which I sorta am -- it's been a stressful month).
That's one of my points: I'm being spied on 24/7, while my (so-called) allies aren't.
So I don't actually get to know what people think of me privately, while I'm full of candour because (yes) I advocate for transparency.
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I'm not half of what people think I am. I'm mean because I don't like being watched, and I'm mean because I hardened up during my years on the dole.
Had I played the chicken move and not become a pot activist, I wouldn't have such problems to deal with. But here we are... - I don't care what I said two years ago -- I probably would defend it. I definitely defend the principle of the stunt, which was to post continuously because I was triggered. And because it was fairly effective, I kept on developing that style. Which continued to work. What I learned from Carmen: "she's such a great provocateur, and I have to do better" - that's verbatim what 2020 me thought. 2022 me is probably close to Carmen re: obnoxiousness and camp style. And for those of you who want to work with me: you want to because I do shit like this that you artsy people with good jobs don't have the balls to do. -
I don't want to join any club which would have me as a member... that's Groucho, but I definitely relate to that.
It genuinely amuses me that people who regularly get paid by CNZ to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars per year are so butthurt by my comments.
That's what good critique does. 🤣
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So let's flip the script: if you want to talk to me, Jane, then call me.
Same for everyone else. I've genuinely tried to reach out to some people, but I think my days of reading between the lines are nearly done because I don't want your help.
Again, every single one of you has my contact info. fucking well write to me.
If I have the cojones to write to Sondheim, or to an MP, or to Ant Timpson (yep, I wrote to him this year about Shipwrecked .. no reply, but that's the point - I wrote anyway), I think the lot of you can grow some stones and fucking well write to me.
Otherwise, you can all continue to sit and read as I shit on you. And I am starting to feel very nasty after 2 nights of overnight shifts.
Cowards... ✌️
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I don't think any of you can help me grow. And I have no interest in helping any of you grow. I'm heartened that CNZ is reviewing their practices, but honestly it'll never make a difference to me.
I need real friends, not fake friends. That's all I see between the lines: fake friends who are trying to ingratiate themselves into my life because I won the lottery (despite their distaste for my work and my methods).
Which I won, if any of this is to be believed, by pranking famous people. Because when I was chased out of my house, that WSS prank amused me. 👍 -
I don't want that crap from those posers. I'd rather write with Ethan, because he has the dark side in spades.
The stage isn't for me. Please stop thinking that because I know every video for those old shows that I want to be on the stage.
No. I studied the scores. I studied the production methods. That's why my movie was effective. I prefer making other people shine: that's why I kept working on the cycle -- to show off Barbara and Lauren. -
So yeah, I'm not changing my mind and if you people keep asking about stage work you'll ruin my Christmas, and I might get suicidal.
Serious. Think this is 2 days of overnights: 2 more days to go (incl. Christmas morning), and if I'm still having to shadow box these cunts, I might go postal. ⚧️
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