Three Sad Waltzes: my notes

I’m not forcing the tone, and the waltz feel is impeccable. I just think Matthew’s interpretation is lugubrious and that’s why nobody plays the piece. Ken likes a pushed rhythm, and that’s why, but I followed his tempo indications and most of the dynamics. This was actually a sight-read, and that’s how good I am. 865 link clicks so far, and I’ve still got another $15 to spend. $0.01 per link click. That’s how effective my advertising is, so take my free help rather than whinging about my performance. - I’m not interested in what Jane thinks: I haven’t been for several years. This, in fact, has been the thing that I diverged with Jane over: tonal variation vs. her technique (which doesn’t produce that sound). Once I’d heard the sitar and faglung, I wanted to make that sound, and the country tone. She didn’t like the Chamber of Colours much: seriously. She just thought they were improvs, and therefore not ‘serious’ music. I showed her, and everyone. - Everyone loved the Preludes (including Jane), though. And that’s why I’m being this much of a dick: I get to say ‘I know best’ when I actually do – I think we can all admit I’m clearly one of the best guitar players in the country, and also a serious composer of some repute. I have spent the better part of a year being absolutely resolute about my music, how it will sound, and who is allowed to play it. There’s no room for mistakes with that, and I am absolutely not selling it to those people unless I get to pick who plays. - The NZSM has to accept that I have my own values systems, my own philosophy, and my own approach to making music, and I do not want their help. In fact, that Jane wants me back is insulting, given how she felt when I had my first mental breakdown. And how she felt about me whinging .. clearly there’s nothing normal about our relationship, and irrespective of that, I’m not interested in any lessons. Just no. Show me you can do half the things I learned how to do, other guitar players…

Same with Jake. He’s just desperate to save his floundering career by piggybacking off me like he used to.

Not interested in a PhD: this thesis defence has been more than enough for one lifetime, and if you don’t stop insinuating that I’m a psychopath, then all you will ever receive is my bitchy comments and surprisingly insightful critiques.

-

And B and the opera people also have to accept that I do not share their values, and have political reasons, as well as aesthetic ones, for those beliefs.

I can’t abide rich conservatives being the people who pay for my piece to exist, and that’s why I refuse NZ Opera (setting aside my genuine anger that they should have let me audition for Voices of Aotearoa).

While with Red Scare, I simply do not want to do cabaret, and I am not persuadable. I think that shit is tacky, same with concert performances of musicals: I think that is a waste of money, while a studio album isn’t.

-

I am not a theatre kid: I make movies – even with nobody truly supporting me outside of team cannabis, I made a solo feature that works.

And a web series that is probably the biggest hit of my career.

-

No, Shipwrecked comes first. I am done with the Weeded Out movie because the city of Wellington fucking well owes me a genuine apology about how I was profiled, both by the police, the townspeople and the media.

The media have mostly been on my side, but still, I wrote those emails to Sinead Boucher because I genuinely saw a problem with Stuff’s trans coverage. And it did improve, so I think that was worth it.

I’m trans. I’m not a paedo, and I haven’t been charged for any offences, let alone sex offences. I want to be able to teach kids, and I genuinely would like Valerie and anyone who pursued legal action to apologise to me. I wasn't perving on Luc. He was just the most naturally talented student I've ever had, and seemed kind of depressed. I'm intense, but I had conversations like that with Hugh Stevenson or Helen Renaud when I was at Burnside. Music is a really demanding profession when taken seriously, and it's very cut-throat.